I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
