was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
