I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
