I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
