Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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