My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
