my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
