how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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