took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize