i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
