Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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