He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You've changed since you got that strap on
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
