I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
So squirting runs in the family.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
