My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
