Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
