True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
