i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
