apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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