He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
