I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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