he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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