Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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