Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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