woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
