Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
