He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Randomize
