Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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