I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
