My hand turned me down
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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