When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
