Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
