There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
