first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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