who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
