I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
