Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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