I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
