your parents love me but you hate me
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
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