You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Dear god my vagina.
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