trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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