The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize