i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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