I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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