Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
