wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
