accomplished twins. life is a go
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
