omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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