thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
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