I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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