So drunk its hurt
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
