my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
