I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
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