what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
