I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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