I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
