My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
