Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
