I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
