I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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